How do you top “Five Nights at Freddy’s,” the video game movie adaptation about murderous anthropomorphic robots? If it’s a battle for insipid nonsense, the answer is blindingly clear: “Five Nights at Freddy’s 2.”
The sequel builds on the un-scary, un-funny bones of the 2023 original by expanding the Freddy’s Cinematic Universe with an even more head-scratching outing. “I don’t know what happened. I feel sick,” says one poor actor. We feel you, sister.
“Five Nights at Freddy’s 2” assumes you’ve watched the first so sit through that dreck before attempting to digest the latest, which hysterically keeps unpacking game lore all the way through, even during the closing credits. It even arrogantly sets the table for “Five Nights at Freddy’s 3” without earning the second.
Back is returning director Emma Tammi — this time using a script from the game’s developer, Scott Cawthon — and the cast from the first: Former security guard Mike (Josh Hutcherson, emoting poorly), police officer Vanessa (Elizabeth Lail, uncertain what movie is being made) and Mike’s 11-year-old sister, Abby (Piper Rubio, always game).
Abby wants nothing better than to reunite with her Chuck E. Cheese-like animatronic pals — Freddy Fazbear, Bonnie, Chica and Foxy. Her nasty science teacher (Wayne Knight, not going to have a good movie) hates her and she’s weird, mostly because she pines for the companionship of four possessed robots. Therapy for everyone!
The sequel does get kudos for introducing a truly scary creature amid the decidedly nonfrightening, bow-tie wearing, big-eyed animatronics — The Marionette, a truly unsettling (slightly Jigsaw-like) dude with a mask that has rosy red cheeks and a body with elongated arms. But the filmmakers fumble by losing him in the machinery. It’s not even clear by the end who is bad and who is good. (Well, it’s clear the movie isn’t good.)
Trauma runs through “Five Nights at Freddy’s 2” and it’s mainly the repercussions from the first movie. Vanessa hasn’t properly dealt with the fact that her father set this whole murderous situation going, Mike is trying to move past the horror of having seen people murdered by pizza parlor entertainment figures and Abby is a mess, leaving a note for her brother that reads: “Gone to fix my friends.” (Why not “Gone to fix this movie”?)
The filmmakers really haven’t decided for a second time whether Freddy, Bonnie, Chica and Foxy are deeply evil or actually friendly, which leads to existential confusion. They layer on movie cliches like thick pepperoni slices: old-fashioned delicate music boxes, flickering flashlights, eyeglasses cracked and refrigerator door closing jumpscares. At one point, Megan Fox provides the voice for Chica. Will you notice? Of course not.
As sequels must do these days, we’ve got an extra portion of these nasty Care Bears — they come in waves — and there’s a weird moment when Vanessa travels back in time to the mind palace of her evil father, which just seems like an excuse to rehire Matthew Lillard. The animatronics this time both lumber like creaky dinosaurs but also unbelievably pounce unseen like leopards and apparently can outrun a midsize sedan.
It’s an incoherent mess, something that, back in the day, would be straight to DVD. “Five Nights at Freddy’s 2” has an after-school special vibe with no real horror and no real awareness that it should. “What kind of kid would want to come here?” asks Mike. Indeed.
“Five Nights at Freddy’s 2,” a Universal Pictures release that hits theaters Friday, is rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association for violent content, terror and some language. Running time: 104 minutes. Zero stars out of four.
